THE OTHER DAY IMPATIENTLY WAITING FOR A LIGHT THAT SEEMED ETERNALLY RED TO TURN GREEN, MY ATTENTION FELL ON THE PASSENGER REAR VIEW MIRROR…
IT READS: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
“WHY SHOULDN’T I BE HAPPY, I AM HAPPY, I’M WAITING.” “IS ANYONE EVER REALLY HAPPY WHILE WAITING?” JOYCE CAROL OATES, OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR
I MASTERED LIVING IN A STATE OF MASSIVE CONFUSION WHILE CAUSING HAVOC IN THE LIVES OF THE PEOPLE AROUND ME, AND FOR YEARS SPENDING TIME, HIGH ON SOMETHING, TRYING TO DRINK MYSELF INVISIBLE, I SUPPOSE; I JUST WANTED LEFT UNSEEN. YET, I CRAVED BEING THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. I DID DRUNK PROUD; GRATEFULLY NOT MY BEST ACCOMPLISHMENT.
I WANTED WHAT I WANTED WHEN I WANTED IT, WITHOUT WAITING, BUT FOUND MYSELF ALWAYS WAITING. I STOPPED WAITING FOR HAPPINESS, NUMB TO THAT WANT; I LONGED FOR RELIEF.
AFTER GETTING SOBER ALL THOSE THINGS AND ALL THE FEELINGS THAT I TRIED TO DRINK AWAY STARTED BECOMING MORE AND MORE APPARENT; LIVING THE WAY I DID SHAME WAS A CLOSE COMPANION. IT WAS TIME TO FACE HARMS AND HURTS, BUT I JUST DID NOT HAVE IT IN ME… OR SO, I THOUGHT.
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY I MISSED THE RELATIONSHIP CLASS ON PLAYING FUN, PLAYING FAIR, PARTICIPATING. I AM SO FAR FROM PERFECT, MY LIFE IS SO FAR FROM PERFECT, AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO I AM CLOSEST TO GET ON MY NERVES, OR THEY HURT MY FEELINGS, AND I BROOD OVER WRONGS BY PUNISHING THEM WITH MY SILENCE, SEEMS RIGHT.
I’D HAVE TO SAY THAT THE SAILOR, WHO IS THE CLOSEST PERSON TO ME; WE EAT TOGETHER, WE WORK TOGETHER, WE HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER, WE HAVE A HOME TOGETHER, WE SHARE RESPONSIBILITIES, OH MY GAWD… THAT IS A LOT OF TOGETHER.
I’VE DISAPPOINTED HIM; HE HAS DISAPPOINTED ME. I’VE HURT HIS FEELINGS; HE HAS HURT MINE. I GET ON HIS NERVES; HE GETS ON MINE. YES, I UNDERSTAND LIFE HAS ITS HARD MOMENTS, AND HARDSHIP ISN’T UNIQUE TO JUST ME, BUT DAMN-IT, AT TIMES IT SURE DOES FEEL THAT WAY.
THE SAILOR AND I HAVE LOTS OF LOVE AND LAUGHTER AND HAPPY AND HISTORY… WE FIT. I THINK EVERY DAY SINCE THE DAY I LAID EYES ON THAT MAN I’VE LOVED HIM; WHOA, OUT OF CHARACTER FOR ME. YET, WE HAVE HAD OUR FAIR SHARE OF THAT HARD LIFE STUFF, AND FOR MOST OF IT WE’VE STOOD TOGETHER, AND THEN THE TIMES WITH OUR ARSENAL OF GO TO TOOLS NEEDED FOR EMOTIONAL COMBAT WE COME OUT WITH GUNS-A-BLAZING… AGAINST EACH OTHER.
DURING THIS IMPERFECT JOURNEY OF FIGURING OUT COUPLEHOOD AND PARENTHOOD, LIVING IN A HOOD, PAYING THE BILLS AND DOING THIS LIFE DEAL THERE ARE TIMES IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, LIKE A RUNAWAY TRAIN WE GET DERAILED AND I GO ONE WAY AND HE GOES ANOTHER… ASIDE FROM SOBRIETY MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SAILOR WAS THE FIRST OF ANYTHING THAT I EVER COMMITTED TO STICKING –NOT QUITTING.
I THINK ONE OF MY MOST CHALLENGING ASPECTS OF A RELATIONSHIP IS SPEAKING UP AND STANDING FIRM FOR WHAT I WANT, AND NORMALLY, WELL MOST OF THE TIME IT IS ME THAT GETS IN MY WAY.
I AM OKAY. I AM OKAY. I AM OKAY. EXCEPT FOR LATELY, I HAVEN’T BEEN OKAY; I’VE BEEN IN FEAR AND WORRY AND DOUBT, SO I’M NOT OKAY. I AM ESPECIALLY NOT OKAY WITH WRESTLING AROUND IN THAT UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING OF HURT, FOR ME HURT TURNS INTO A SILENT ANGER THAT BREWS AND EVOLVES INTO A BIG UGLY RESENTMENT ZIT AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL.
AND FOR AN EX-DRUNK LIKE ME THAT IS DANGEROUS LIVING. I CANNOT AFFORD TO LIVE THAT WAY, SO I BOLT. I BOLT LIKE A JACK RABBIT. SOMETIMES I BOLT MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY… AND THEN SOMETIMES I BOLT PHYSICALLY AS IF A GEOGRAPHICAL CHANGE WILL FIX ME. SIGH. NO MATTER WHERE I GO THERE I AM.
TODAY, THE DIFFERENCE, I COME TO MY SENSES QUICKER TO GET ABOUT LIVING AND I DON’T DRINK OR POP A PILL AT IT. UNFORTUNATELY, I CREATE WRECKAGE WITH MY OLD IDEAS AND THE ONCE COMFY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS THAT SEEMED RELIABLE AT THE TIME THAT LEAD TO ACTION THAT NOW I KNOW I MUST CLEAN UP. FUCK.
BUT, IT MUST BE DONE, SO CLEAN UP I’LL DO. AND, I’LL DO IT WITH GRATITUDE AT HEART. I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO, I JUST WISH I COULD PRACTICE IT EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY; PATIENCE… IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION AND RELIEF, AREN’T A SUITABLE RESULT FOR ME, ANYMORE, SO IF IT IS A GOOD IDEA TODAY, IT WILL BE A GOOD IDEA TOMORROW.
I FACE THE FEAR. I FACE THE WORRY. I FACE THE DOUBT.
AND THEN IT HAPPENS; LOVE AND LAUGHTER AND SMILES AND HAPPY AND GOODNESS… PROVING, YET AGAIN THAT THIS CRAZY HARD LIFE IS SO CRAZY BEAUTIFUL.
THE OTHER MORNING I GREETED MY LITTLE ONE AS SHE WALKED DOWN THE STAIRS; STILL A LITTLE GROGGY, HAIR KNOTTED UP ALL STREWN ABOUT, RUBBING HER EYES, WITH HER ARMS SPREAD CALLING ME TO PICK HER UP, SHE WRAPS HER ARMS TIGHTLY AROUND MY NECK, AND HER WORDS, “MOM, AREN’T YOU SO SUPER HAPPY THAT TODAY IS TODAY…” MY HEART FILLED WITH LOTS OF HAPPY.