Self-Image

Posted on 20/Feb/2014

I SWORE IT WAS OVER, AND THIS TIME I MEANT IT; THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT BECAUSE THIS TIME I HAD A JOB THAT I LOVED, I WAS PROUD OF MY PERFORMANCE, I WANTED TO SUCCEED, I WAS GOOD AT IT, AS IN REALLY GOOD; I WAS CLIMBING MY WAY UP THE CORPORATE LADDER.

LIKE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE, I TRIED MAKING DIFFERENT WITH STUFF, GEOGRAPHICAL FIXES, OH, AND PEOPLE, SO MANY PEOPLE, I RECYCLED PEOPLE WITH LITTLE THOUGHT OF THEIR FEELINGS, WELL-BEING BECAUSE IF SELFISH ME COULD FIND THAT RIGHT PERSON SURELY THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT, BETTER, BUT THAT DIDN’T WORK, SO MAYBE A JOB WAS THE ANSWER; A JOB, YES, I JUST KNEW THIS TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

ONLY THIS TIME WAS NO DIFFERENT; CIRCUMSTANCE DIFFERENT, YES, BUT NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR WHERE I WENT THERE I WAS ON FAMILIAR GROUND, IN SEARCH OF OBLIVION, WITH ONLY ONE WAY TO GET THERE, AND THAT’S THROUGH OBLITERATION… MANY IS NEVER ENOUGH, AND ONE IS TOO MANY.

THE PHYSICAL CRAVING COUPLED WITH A MENTAL OBSESSION, AND I’M STOOPING TO A NEW LOW; DOING WHAT I DO WHILE STOOPING; HURTING AND HARMING. I’D TAKE THE DRINK, THE PILL AND EVENTUALLY IT WOULD TAKE ME, AND GAME ON… THAT SHIT OWNED ME. I HAD ZERO DEFENSE AGAINST THAT NEXT DRINK, THAT NEXT PILL, AND NO AMOUNT OF CORPORATE OFFICES, OR PEOPLE, OR WANTING DIFFERENT KEPT ME FROM CHASING VODKA, AND ONE UPPING THE PREVIOUS BOUT, AND ONE MORE TIME REDUCING MYSELF BECAUSE IF YOU ARE A DRINKER LIKE ME, THERE IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS ONE MORE TIME.

WHATEVER IT IS THAT PEOPLE HAVE; I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE THE ABILITY TO PARTAKE IN MODERATION… OFFERING IMMUNITY FROM EXCESS, KNOWING WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, WELL WHATEVER IT IS, IT IS ABSENT IN ME.

SO, ONCE AGAIN, JUMPING ON THE MERRY-GO-ROUND OF INSANITY… DOING THE SAME THING OVER, AND OVER, AND AGAIN, KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, YET NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WISHED IT DIFFERENT, NEEDED IT DIFFERENT; NOTHING CHANGES, WHEN NOTHING CHANGES.

IT IS ODD HOW LIVING INTOXICATED WORKS… A PLETHORA OF NOT YET AND THAT WON’T HAPPEN TO ME MOMENTS UNTIL IT HAPPENS AND I RAISE THE NOT YET THAT WON’T HAPPEN TO ME ANTE UNTIL ONE DAY LEFT WITH ZERO NOT YET AND THAT WON’T HAPPEN TO ME MOMENTS BECAUSE I LOST POWER OF CHOICE. AND THEN, I DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE WELL, SIMPLY; AS A DRUNKARD, THAT IS WHAT I DO; I DRINK, I USE. I FOUND MY SOLUTION TO LIVING AT THE BOTTOM OF A BOTTLE.

THERE ISN’T A MOM OR DAD OR CHILD OR WIFE OR HUSBAND OR PARTNER OR JOB OR THING OR WHATEVER THAT WILL STAND IN THE WAY OF A DRUNK GETTING DRUNK OR AN ADDICT GETTING HIGH. WE DON’T DRINK AT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING; AS COMPLICATED AS ADDICTION FEELS, THE REASON TO DRINK AND USE IS SIMPLE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE DO.

SO, WHY IS IT THAT SOME FIND SOBRIETY? THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I… OH MY GOD, I DESPISE THAT SAYING, AND HERE IS WHY; ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MAKES ME SO SPECIAL THAT ‘GOD’ BLESSED ME WITH SOBRIETY WHILE ALLOWING SOMEONE ELSE TO SUFFER A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH OF INTOXICATION AND HIGHS, THAT IS SELF-CENTERED, GRANDIOSE THINKING AT ITS FINEST, AND MEAN AND CRUEL, AND TOTALLY LACKS PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY FOR A DRUNK LIKE ME.

I’LL TELL YOU WHY SOME PEOPLE, LIKE MYSELF, GET SOBER WHILE OTHERS DON’T BECAUSE WE HIT A BOTTOM, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY WE RECOGNIZED IT AS A BOTTOM, WE ASK FOR HELP, HELP OTHERS, GET HONEST WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, GAINED A BELIEF IN A POWER BIGGER THAN OURSELVES; MOSTLY, NO MATTER WHAT, WE DON’T DRINK AND WE DON’T DRUG, EVEN IF OUR ASS FEELS AS IF IT IS GOING TO FALL OFF.

Center for Disease Control : Every day in the United States, 105 people die as a result of drug overdose, and another 6,748 are treated in emergency departments for the misuse or abuse of drugs. Nearly 9 out of 10 poisoning deaths are caused by drugs.
NCADD: 2.5 million alcohol related deaths worldwide… ANNUALLY.

I HAVEN’T HAD A MIND OR MOOD ALTERING SUBSTANCE IN TWELVE YEARS, SO OF COURSE, I BELIEVE THERE IS A RECIPE FOR SOBER LIVING, AND THE WAY I GOT SOBER DOESN’T HAVE A MONOPOLY ON SOBER, BUT ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED ALONG THE WAY SOBRIETY ISN’T FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED IT… IT IS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT IT; THE WANTING MAY COME QUICKLY OR SLOWLY, BUT IT MUST COME.

TODAY, I ABSTAIN FROM DRINK AND PILL AND CIGARETTE AND GAMBLING AND WELL, YOU GET THE POINT… I ABSTAIN FROM AN OLD IDEA THAT OUTSIDE THINGS ARE THE SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEMS WHILE I CANNOT ERASE HARMS AND HURTS I CAN CONTINUE TO ABSTAIN FROM DRINK AND PILL, AND LIVE AMENDS THROUGH SOBER LIVING. I HAVE CHOICES; I HAVE A CHANCE AT HOPE AND HEALTHY AND HAPPY AND LOVE… CRAZY HARD BEAUTIFUL LIFE.

SOBRIETY IS AVAILABLE IF YOU WANT IT, SEEK AND YOU WILL FIND. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE IT HAPPENED FOR ME AND IF IT CAN HAPPEN FOR A WINE DRINKING, VODKA GUZZLING, PILL POPPING WRETCH LIKE ME IT CAN HAPPEN FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

“Even as I spin this beautifully dreaded web, I am reaching for my phone. I call someone: not a doctor or a sage, not a mystic or a physician, just a bloke like me, another alcoholic, who I know knows how I feel. The phone rings and I half hope he’ll just let it ring out. It’s 4am in London. He’s asleep, he can’t hear the phone, he won’t pick up. I indicate left, heading to Santa Monica. The ringing stops, then the dry mouthed nocturnal mumble: “Hello. You all right mate?”
“He picks up.”
“And for another day, thank God, I don’t have to.”
Russell Brand

Is AA for you…. aa.org
Disease and Conditions… Mayo Clinic
Doctor Silkworth… The Doctor Opinion

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