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Posted on 23/Oct/2013

OCTOBER 23, 2001, I SAT IN THE HOUSE THAT I ONCE WORKED INCREDIBLY HARD TO HAVE, CURLED UP IN MY FAVORITE WELL-WORN COMFY COZY CHAIR THAT FELT NICE AGAINST MY SKIN; I LOVED SITTING, HIDING FROM THE WORLD, IN THAT CHAIR, UNDER MY BIG SOFT BLANKET.

SO, THERE I SAT TWO DAYS SOBER, STILL REFUSING TO SEE THE SEVERITY OF MY SITUATION; I WAS TOO BUSY SUFFERING WITH A VIOLENT SET OF SHAKES, COLD TO MY CORE, SWEATING PROFUSELY… EVEN UNDER THE CARE OF A DOCTOR MY BODY HAD TO DETOX HARD.

I WAS LOSING. I HAD LOST. I WAS LOST…. SO THERE I SAT IN MY SOON TO BE BANKED OWNED HOUSE, WITH A HORRIBLE CASE OF THE SHAKES; CAUSING AN OVERPOWERING WANT TO SWALLOW A BULLET. I HAD LONG SINCE STOPPED BEING ABLE TO SLEEP ON MY OWN, GET UP AND MOVE ON MY OWN, AND MY BODY CRAVED THAT JUNK, AND IT ACHED UNLIKE ANY ACHE I HAD EVER FELT.

I HAD LIVED FROM THE BOTTOM OF A BOTTLE FOR YEARS, YET, NOT EXACTLY SURE HOW I ARRIVED, HOW I WENT FROM WORKING HARD, CORNER OFFICE, NICE CLOTHES, NICE STUFF, COMFORTABLE HOME TO NO JOB, ON THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY, AND NOT JUST FINANCIAL RUIN… I WAS BROKEN.

BUT INSTEAD OF GIVING UP; I SURRENDERED AN OLD IDEA, AND DID SOMETHING I HAD NOT DONE IN YEARS, I FELL TO MY KNEES AND PRAYED… I DON’T KNOW TO WHOM I PRAYED, TO WHAT I PRAYED, BUT I UTTERED THE WORD; GOD, FOLLOWED BY HELP ME GET THROUGH THE NIGHT.

FEELINGS ARE MUCH LIKE WAVES, WE CAN’T STOP THEM FROM COMING BUT WE CAN CHOOSE WHICH ONE TO SURF…
AND, THEN I CRIED MY TEARS; CRYING ALL MY OLD THOUGHTS, ALL MY OLD WAYS, AWAY; THERE I LAID ON THE COLD HARDWOOD FLOOR, CRYING UNTIL ALL MY TEARS WERE GONE, AND THEN I SLEPT.

I HATED THE IDEA OF A GOD; THERE WAS ONLY ONE GOD, THE GOD I GREW UP BELIEVING IN, AND THAT GOD PUNISHED. STILL, THERE I WAS ON MY KNEES PRAYING, SOME PART OF ME NEEDED TO BELIEVE, WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WAS SOME POWER, SOMETHING BIGGER THAN ANYTHING AROUND ME… BIGGER THAN THE BOTTLE, BIGGER THAN ME. I WAS LOST. I WAS BROKEN.

I NEEDED RELIEF. I NEEDED RESTORATION. I NEEDED A NEW IDEA.

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I THINK OF THAT NIGHT OFTEN BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH A SIGNIFICANT LIFE TURNING MOMENT, IF NOT THE MOST SIGNIFICANT, THAT NIGHT ALTERED ME, FOREVER; IT CHANGED THE COURSE OF MY LIFE… TWELVE YEARS AGO, I SOUGHT OUT SEEKING RELIEF; IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT I’D FIND FREEDOM.
AND FREEDOM I FOUND…

THE MOMENT YOU’RE READY TO QUIT IS USUALLY THE MOMENT RIGHT BEFORE A MIRACLE HAPPENS… DON’T GIVE UP!

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