Reflections… night whisperer!
Posted on Apr 20, 2011
in a mother a woman a daughter, Reflections by mommetime
Whispering, “I love you so so much Mommy “ as if unable to get close enough she snuggled even closer; I feel the warmth from her breath and softness from her cheeks as she presses against my chest; all is well with this world. I feel the rise of her chest, the beat of her heart and know hope is alive…I take the moment; I want to hold on to it, forever.
My children…
Teach me something new every single day.
They remind me that laughter is valuable; their giggles and chuckles, they have the power to change my world… priceless.
They remind me that I can start my day over any time I want.
They live this day of all days as the only day; I want to be more like them.
They are my proof that I have the capacity to love, hope and believe because, before them, my world jaded.
I love and believe in them more than anything else in this world, and when I think of them it fills my heart with so much gratitude for life.
Time comes and goes; moments fading, piling up encouraging me through the tough, crazy, I don’t want to do the hard stuff.
I pause, just standing with my hand on the door-knob. I suck the air into my lungs to catch my breath; tears burning my eyes.
I have no recollection of how long I stood with my head hung low.
I snap back to reality and go ahead with purpose; I tap with one hand while turning the knob with the other…
“It’s me”. “Are you awake?”
“Hi. Honey.” She pauses gathering her strength. “I’m.glad.you.came”.
She pauses, again. ”Is. it. Cold?”
I go to her and gently wrap my arms around and feel the looseness of her cold thin moisture-less skin that wraps her fragile bones. I wrap our bodies with the blanket, taking lotion from her bedside table and with each stroke I feel with such intensity a love for this woman who gave me life; no matter our troubles, she’s my Mom.
As I hold her, I try desperately to hold with my heart this moment… wishing it were different. But, I know what is to come; my chest tightens making it difficult to breathe. I fight the tears with all my might, my private thoughts cursing, demanding, and wishing.
I want something I cannot have…I want MORE!
I want more –I want more time.
I Instantly miss the woman she once was before Ovarian Cancer had its way with her; like a thief pillaging in the night it took her body and robbed her of her dignity and vitality. It’s last mark was to leave her to die a painful death.
I hold her. My mouth feeling like cotton and my throat like sandpaper…I pull her closer as if unable to get close enough, my voice cracking I whisper, “Mom, I love you so much”. She whispers back, “I love you too, baby”.
I just hold her; breathing that pungent odor of death, and I try to remember what before was like.
I hate cancer… I miss my Mom. I miss her laughter. I miss sipping coffee, sitting on her deck listening to her stories.
Where did the time go?
Mayo Clinic/health/ovarian-cancer
Ovarian Cancer National Alliance
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Comments
comments
Sili Apr 21 2011 - 2:12 am
No words. Just tears. And goosebumps. This is in sync with my last two blogs. I know exactly how you feel about BOTH situations! Thank you for sharing! <3
mommetime Apr 21 2011 - 2:53 am
thank you for stopping by… grief ~it is such the process I thought I had reached a point of acceptance but then something as simple as making a pot of coffee and looking out the window can overwhelm me with memories.
Kimberly Apr 22 2011 - 1:02 pm
This was so heartbreaking but so beautifully written. Big hugs xoxo
mommetime Apr 22 2011 - 9:09 pm
thank you…
Sweetie1313 Apr 25 2011 - 5:44 pm
Beautiful….so sorry for your loss.
Thanks for following Helpful Daddy – following right back.
http://helpfuldaddy.blogspot.com
Mickey Apr 25 2011 - 11:52 pm
I’m sorry for your loss. Your words are beautiful and very touching.
Following back.
MOMmetime Apr 26 2011 - 4:06 pm
I appreciate your kind words ~with Mothers Day around the corner; I cannot help but to reflect.
thank you for visiting…
mommetime Apr 27 2011 - 2:03 am
thank you for your kindness…
I appreciate the follow back ~thanks for stopping by!
I'm Not a Trophy Wife May 22 2011 - 3:28 pm
hi there- new follower from sunday hop! I’m visiting from http://imnotatrophywife.com
laura
mommetime May 23 2011 - 3:21 am
thank you for stopping by…
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