Reflections… night whisperer!
Whispering, “I love you so so much Mommy “ as if unable to get close enough she snuggled even closer; I feel the warmth from her breath and softness from her cheeks as she presses against my chest; all is well with this world. I feel the rise of her chest, the beat of her heart and know hope is alive…I take the moment; I want to hold on to it, forever.
Teach me something new every single day.
They remind me that laughter is valuable; their giggles and chuckles, they have the power to change my world… priceless.
They remind me that I can start my day over any time I want.
They live this day of all days as the only day; I want to be more like them.
They are my proof that I have the capacity to love, hope and believe because, before them, my world jaded.
I love and believe in them more than anything else in this world, and when I think of them it fills my heart with so much gratitude for life.
Time comes and goes; moments fading, piling up encouraging me through the tough, crazy, I don’t want to do the hard stuff.
I pause, just standing with my hand on the door-knob. I suck the air into my lungs to catch my breath; tears burning my eyes.
I have no recollection of how long I stood with my head hung low.
I snap back to reality and go ahead with purpose; I tap with one hand while turning the knob with the other…
“It’s me”. “Are you awake?”
“Hi. Honey.” She pauses gathering her strength. “I’m.glad.you.came”.
She pauses, again. ”Is. it. Cold?”
I go to her and gently wrap my arms around and feel the looseness of her cold thin moisture-less skin that wraps her fragile bones. I wrap our bodies with the blanket, taking lotion from her bedside table and with each stroke I feel with such intensity a love for this woman who gave me life; no matter our troubles, she’s my Mom.
As I hold her, I try desperately to hold with my heart this moment… wishing it were different. But, I know what is to come; my chest tightens making it difficult to breathe. I fight the tears with all my might, my private thoughts cursing, demanding, and wishing.
I want something I cannot have…I want MORE!
I want more –I want more time.
I Instantly miss the woman she once was before Ovarian Cancer had its way with her; like a thief pillaging in the night it took her body and robbed her of her dignity and vitality. It’s last mark was to leave her to die a painful death.
I hold her. My mouth feeling like cotton and my throat like sandpaper…I pull her closer as if unable to get close enough, my voice cracking I whisper, “Mom, I love you so much”. She whispers back, “I love you too, baby”.
I just hold her; breathing that pungent odor of death, and I try to remember what before was like.
I hate cancer… I miss my Mom. I miss her laughter. I miss sipping coffee, sitting on her deck listening to her stories.
Where did the time go?
Ovarian Cancer National Alliance