parenting |opinions |photography
Breaking Silence
When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~Author Unknown
parenting |opinions |photography
When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~Author Unknown
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Have you ever noticed that when you’ve gone through difficulties or experienced a traumatic event that at some point you meet a person that is going through a similar painful experience?
Conversations are finding me at the park, the bookstore, my kids gymnastics class, and even on-line; discussing grief that follows loss.
Each conversation reinforces how valuable sharing openly with others about my journey from the tremendous suffering and sorrow rendering me utterly broken, paralyzed with sadness and silent for so many years to finding the courage to develop a process of emotionally duct taping the broken pieces back together.
I firmly believe sharing life experiences in hopes of helping someone who is suffering, will bring about healing; this is my story of breaking silence and finding hope…
No one mentioned mourning after; depression and the physical changes a woman’s body goes through from the effects of such a loss.
I grew to accept my lot in life, and willfully forfeited any rights to peace, so my heart ached, and I was in a constant state of angst and consumed with guilt. The loss was my fault… for this, I was convinced!
I quit. I mean, how is it possible to laugh, live or even love after something so horrible, better yet, why would I want to? My baby was gone. I was empty!
A glimpse at beauty. A well received gesture of kindness. A flicker of hope.
I imagine, somewhere bottled up in me a fight or a glimmer of hope existed; I just did not see it, I felt as if hope were dead, so, I punished my twenty-three year old self and intoxicated my mind, as often as, getting up from bed would allow.
Passing decades and no amount of drink have had the power to block the memories of her death, which, float around deep within my conscience…
It was my first morning back, feeling empty, alone, staying with my parents, in their home, sleeping in the same bed I slept in as a little girl; I climbed from bed, on a quest to find something that would cut the misery induced pain that weighed so heavily on my heart.
I knew where to go; my Fathers brown leather briefcase, up high, out of reach, but not locked. I wanted what was inside… I hesitated before opening, not out of doubt, I knew what I needed to do; I just wanted to do it in secret. I removed from inside the briefcase the contents of what I hoped would give me sleep induced release.
I held my Dad’s prescription bottle, prescribed to help a Leukemia patient with his sleep, it said take one; so I popped two. When I woke, I was still there… pain and all!
The doctor called it fetal demise, sounding terribly clinical, as if, making it easier to detach, but I was never able to detach from the pain; I carried my emotional weight with me wherever I went.
From that moment on, I never dreamed that life would bring me love, happy, peace or laughter; I felt guilty over feeling anything, but sadness. If I thought something was funny, I wasn’t allowed to laugh or experience pleasure…
I felt so incredibly sorry for myself, for years; I did not know what to do with the pain. It inevitably would come out at the weirdest times, often leaving me ashamed of my behavior.
The Sailor was different. I knew he was The One, which, sort of, kind of, majorly opened up some crazy. I had done a lot of living, but waited to give my love to him. I risked being vulnerable with him, and luckily for my fragile heart he was a safe person to do that with; he loved me in spite of me. In the process, he taught me something, he taught me that it is OK to laugh at pain induced crazy… It. Is. More. Than. Okay. To. Laugh!!
With The Sailor in one corner and sobriety in the other, I had the courage to walk into a therapist office, three years ago, and say “when I was 20 years old, I got pregnant, dropped out of college, had a baby and she died. And just like that the healing process started.
It has taken a lot of gut wrenching pain, tears, jumbled up makes no sense, words puked all over the place, and much effort on my part, just to reach a point emotionally that I know the trauma to my heart will forever be there, and I accept it.
My progress is in knowing that I no longer need to punish myself.
It is okay to love, laugh and live… it is okay to love, laugh and live.
Maybe just maybe someone will read this and know that they are not alone and that they also deserve peace of heart and mind.
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Dangerous Linda Sep 12 2012 - 12:41 pm
Dear Amy,
WoW! What can I say? I love you!
I miscarried my third child and that was challenging in its own way. I can’t even imagine experiencing the death of a child after its birth!
As Always, I admire your loving heart and inspiring authenticity! XOXO
Dangerous Linda recently posted..it’s not how it looks
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 10:41 am
thank you for your support and kind words… I appreciate you!
Loss is difficult…
One tired mama Sep 12 2012 - 12:46 pm
As always, so well written, moving, touching! You are an amazing woman! I’m so glad you found your happy! I too have suffered loss, 2 actually. It never goes away, one doesn’t replace the other etc. I never found out for sure, but I think it was my boys. I like to believe my two boys are in heaven, and I will meet them one day.
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 10:43 am
hugs to ya, Mama! You are so right… it never goes away! I believe… and a heart knows these things!
Grass Oil Sep 12 2012 - 1:33 pm
oh…heart wrenching.
my mother lost an older brother of mine, John, 3 days postpartum. i think about him a lot. she never saw him. my dad said he was beautiful. it was different then, back in ’65. he was a c-section.
my first son was born on the same day John died, 33 years later. a joyful, bittersweet circle of life, yes. this is how it goes. i don’t think my mom ever *truly* recovered. i don’t think i would. there is a part of you already in heaven now. saying this doesn’t make it easier, i’m just trying to make sense of it i s’pose in my very awkward way.
you are brave to write this. you have shown me something that my mother has never revealed yet which i have suspected. she doesn’t talk about him. i wish she would. i think i dream about him… i know i will meet him one day.
xo
Grass Oil recently posted..simplify! the night before so the morning doesn’t suck
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 10:51 am
It wasn’t much different in the ’80′s either… I don’t know that recovering from the loss is possible; like you said, and I believe it, too… “there is a part of you already in heaven now!” I appreciate you for trying to make sense of it… I do it too. I think my saving grace is in finding out that it is okay to live after loss; I try not to punish myself for decisions I made or the outcome…for years I felt tremendous guilt, because I too choose to not see her, which, I am still processing, like removing layers of an onion. WOW… I am amazed at how much we have in common.
Martha Orlando Sep 12 2012 - 2:07 pm
Oh, my dear, what you have been through, I can’t imagine . . . It is wonderful, though, that you were able to share your pain and grief here, and that you have been getting the help you need to overcome your loss. I’m sure this will speak to the hearts of many women who have lost a child.
May God bless you!
Martha Orlando recently posted..Remembering 9/11
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 10:53 am
It is my hope that this reaches as many women that are ready to read it and know that they too deserve hope and healing. Thank you for your kindness, it is very much appreciated!
Helena Fortissima Sep 12 2012 - 3:27 pm
Brave, candid, honest…so glad to hear you’ve finally made peace with yourself, Amy. Losing a child is a special kind of tragedy that most people can’t bear to imagine, let alone endure.
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 10:56 am
Thank you… thank you so much for your words… “Losing a child is a special kind of tragedy…” I spent so many years trying to finds ways of avoiding, minimizing, trying whatever to make it less painful; I never succeeded.
christine | The Plumed Nest Sep 12 2012 - 3:52 pm
this is so beautifully written. i am so sorry for your loss, as most that have never had to endure such a tragedy, i cannot imagine. though i can hear the healing that has taken place through your words and i think it is remarkable and deserved.
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 10:57 am
Thank you for your kind words…
Pamela R Sep 12 2012 - 4:44 pm
you are very brave to write this. I’m sure someone will find strength in it.
Pamela R recently posted..Wordless Wednesday BACK TO SCHOOL
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 10:58 am
I hope so… thank you!
Nan ~ Playful Decor Sep 12 2012 - 7:06 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. But I can see the strength within you and it will carry you to new stages of healing, hope and life. Your words are beautiful and will no doubt be support to others with loss. All my best.
Nan ~ Playful Decor recently posted..Calming Mom Cave
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 11:03 am
Thank you… I find it hopeful at the thought of someone reading this and it bring them a bit of support.
Angie Alaniz Sep 12 2012 - 7:17 pm
I am sorry for your loss but applaud your courage and strength as true courage is not the absence of fear—but the willingness to proceed in spite of it all.
Thanks for sharing your story I am sure you will help others that might be going through the same thing.
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 11:04 am
Thank you… I appreciate you sharing… I believe the same to be true about fear and willingness.
Pamela Sep 12 2012 - 8:47 pm
I applaud you for having the courage to put your heart into your writing! I am sorry for your loss. I to experienced 2 misscarriages, 1 at 7 weeks, and 1 at 14 weeks which was very devastating for my family and I, I took for granted after having 5 children that I wouldnt never have a problem and then back to back it happened. but then God blessed us with our last which was a girl the one that he promised me. God knows your heart and thank you for being obedient and sharing this with us, I am so encouraged!
Pamela recently posted..Yummy Powdered Buttermilk Donuts
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 11:06 am
I am sorry for your loss… it is devastating and can have such a lasting effect. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement!
Andrea Sep 12 2012 - 8:49 pm
So sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage a few years ago & as difficult as that was, I can’t even imagine what you have been through. You are so brave to be so open & honest & tell your story. Sharing what you have been through will help so many others that may be going through something similar. Beautifully written post.
Andrea recently posted..first day back at preschool
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 11:09 am
thank you… it has taken many years to find open and I am so sorry for your miscarriage; loss in any form is very difficult. Hopes, love, dreams are lost… it is difficult to find healing after.
Amee Sep 12 2012 - 8:51 pm
Amy you have a gift and I thank you for being open and honest about a subject that is not talked about. I am so sorry for the pain you deal with and I do believe a part of you dies with your baby and rightly so.
To be so young and experience something so traggic I am also sorry for that and for the years lost on drinking. I am thankful the Sailor saw a woman needing to be loved and I am so happy that you were able to let him in.
Words do not express how proud I am of you and thankful to have met you. I feel like I had a peak into your soul and what I saw was beautiful.
I shared this with everyone and even pinned it to my Create Awareness board on Pinterest. You are an amazing woman and I pray that this post finds you even deeper healing.
Hugs,
Amee
Amee recently posted..Boiling Pot of Water A Stain Fighter?
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 11:14 am
I agree, a part of me died… and rightly so!
Your words are uplifting, encouraging and so very hopeful… thank you!
Thank you so very much for sharing; I am amazed at the dialogue that was created on your page… you ROCK!
Corinne Rodrigues Sep 13 2012 - 10:18 am
You know how much I admire you, Amy and you have just gone up several notches in my esteem. I cannot begin to imagine how hard your loss was and the burden you carried. Your bravery to share this with a therapist and now with us so that someone else might be helped is laudable. I am so glad you have the Sailor in your life. May you continue to heal and grow in love, even as you so bravely reach out to ease the pain of others. ♥
Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..Do You Know Marilyn?
mommetime Sep 13 2012 - 11:16 am
sending you a great big virtual {{{{HUG}}}} I heart your words they mean a lot… thank you for sharing them!
Michelle Sep 14 2012 - 9:20 am
I absolutely believe that telling your story and telling it again, and again and again in the hopes that you’ll help someone else, will help your healing process as well. I’ve know several people who have had infants die after birth. I can never imagine what any of you have gone through, so it is good to find support groups with people who do know. Prayers for your continued healing. And please keep loving, laughing and living!
Michelle recently posted..Guest Post | Genetic testing for Immune System Diseases
mommetime Sep 22 2012 - 9:11 pm
I believe it helps in the healing process; serving as a reminder that we are not alone. thank you very much for your kind words!
Theresa Sep 14 2012 - 9:11 pm
I can not imagine the grief and suffering you have went through, but I admire the strength and courage you found to move ahead. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will touch many, and also help them to find a way to heal.
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mommetime Sep 22 2012 - 9:12 pm
thank you for your encouraging words!
Brenda Sep 16 2012 - 11:25 am
I wonder sometimes why we can’t forgive ourselves and why it’s so hard. I think you’re right, in many cases we are not taught to forgive ourselves, others yes, but not our own wonderful selves. It’s a lesson I made sure to teach my own kids and continue to remind. Hopefully your story will reach others carrying a hurt and show them what you have learned.
Brenda recently posted..You Lost That Loving Feeling
mommetime Sep 22 2012 - 9:13 pm
I am doing the same with my children… forgiveness and 2 nd chances!
Nikky44 Oct 11 2012 - 10:28 pm
I admire you for your courage!! HUGS
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